Viscount Druitt's User Guide
by xXHanamizukiXx
Summary: After a lengthy hiatus, I'm BACK for some more Kuro-crack fics. This time, it's the very very very anticipated Druitt's User Guide! Read to find out how you can safely dispose of this incredibly annoying character. :


Author's description:

Not even God can save us now. And yes, I'm back...after what, a year? No longer a lowly freshman though; I'm a spectacular sophomore :)

Owner's Guide and Manual: Viscount Aleister Druitt

Otherwise known as the greatest pimp in the Victorian era. (Ciel would know x_x)

Your disturbingly eloquent viscount comes with the following:

1) White suit (courtesy of Blue Lobster Tailoring)

2) Ascot tie

3) Three pairs of white gloves

4) Garnet brooch

5) Infamous Blue Lobster hat

6) Two pairs of shiny black dress shoes

We are not responsible for any sort of incident where he drugs you in your own bedroom and auctions you off in pieces to Undertaker for "dissection purposes", or heavy mental irritation due to excessive descriptions of you, your long lost uncle, or the pink plastic flamingoes on your lawn. Enough said.

To remove your Viscount unit:

1) Get Ciel dressed up in his frilly pink dress, and start screaming random stuff about robins. Your Viscount will automatically come out in Pimp mode, though, so this method of activation is not advised unless if you are a A) pervert (most likely you are) B) Ciel X Viscount fan C) You just want to scar that poor little Phantomhive.

2) Set Sebastian to Demon mode, William Spears to Office Sex mode, and Grell to...well, normal. Chaos and extreme yaoi will occur: you have been warned.

3) Stick a live blue lobster into the box (with no rubber bands around the claws). For more fun, place the lobster over said unit's crotch area and let hilarity ensue.

Your Viscount unit comes in several modes:

Normal: As most of you know by now...there is not a single "normal" character in Kuroshitsuji. "Normal" just describes their usual mood. And in Aleister's case, it means he describes everything he sees. You may want to gag him, but don't worry: he'll just think you're being kinky and will attempt to describe this even with the gag.

Narcissistic: Just get out of the house when he goes into this mode- or break all your mirrors. Unless you want to hear this:

"Oh I am such a monument of beauty! Ah, you female concubine, what wonders you will experience! Get down gracefully on your knees and draw my well-endowed lobster tail into your-"

You get my point.

Well, you can always invest in the time-honored attack, known as a "bitch slap".

Yaoi: With the exception of two bitchy shotas (otherwise known as Ciel and Alois) Aleister will forever be the uke. Although he's probably going to talk too much, so most of the other characters will gag him. It's ok though, since he's a closet fan of bondage. I once caught him and Grell comparing notes...

Pimp mode: "My beautiful robin, please come over here this instant and service this fat, atrocious smelling gentleman right now. Ahem, sir, I trust that you will not be disappointed with this loose-erm, virgin chickie. -smiles." It's quite alright to slap him. Or kick him in the balls.

Pedobear: You may want to go out and buy a leash so he doesn't go and offer to play with random little children, who will then complain to their parents: "SOME CREEPY DUDE IN A BEAR SUIT TRIED TO GIVE ME CANDY."

Or, considering my badass little cousins like to beat pedobears up, Aleister with his rotten luck will encounter some similarly badass midgets. They really do take after me :)

Viscount's Jobs:

Doctor: Yep, he's been to medical school. But he's squeamish around blood. No, I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm sure he just went to medical school to learn more about female anatomy and become an educated brothel owner. Well, it is Druitt we're talking about, the greatest perv besides Grell and William.

What? It's always the quiet ones. YOU don't know what that accountant is capable of...

Pimp: Frankly, despite the obvious negative associations with this job, you will be able to make a lot of money if you use him to advertise that irritating girl in Global 3 who scoffs at your otakuness. Let's see her reaction when she finds out her various organs are being sold to lecherous morticians (COUGH, UNDERTAKER, COUGH) on Craigslist. 

Writer: Screw creative writing class. Just throw all assignments to him; but make sure he doesn't write about anything that relates to the "adult" section. Teddy bears are fine. Your grandma's china is also fine. Just not anything that's like this: "Marie's teddy bear and her grandma's china are an excellent example of our beautiful master/slave relationship. The teddy bear is constantly sitting on the china, just like how I constantly-"

Burn that and tell him to start over again, trust me. That will not ensure you an A, it will call your parents into questioning.

Boyfriend: I'd rather stick myself into the washing machine and turn it onto "high" than date him. I'm sorry- he's just too...he reminds me of someone who has left a permanent scar on my life.

Damn that guy, now every time I think of something, he's the perverted subconscious that corrupts my thoughts.

Food:

Serve him curry, blue lobster, anything: I just hope he chokes on it. A few seconds of him not talking is good enough for me.

Cleaning:

GO, YOU CRAZY FANGIRLS, DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST DON'T DRAG ME INTO THE SHOWER WITH HIM X_X.

Hmmm, the percentage of you not being groped while in that bathroom is a giant goose egg. Zero. Nada. Love in tennis. 0.

Questions and answers:

Q: I'm sort of QQing right now cause he's marrying my grandma.

A: ...Be right back, I need to go commit suicide. I advise you tell your grandma to do the same.

Q: He's playing with Barbie dolls with Grell..is this normal behavior? Should I do something about it?

A: Leave those girls alone, please. Unless if you want to join them. God forbid.

Q: I forgot to check my homework after he did it for me and now I'm scared to look at it. Will you please tell me what he wrote?

A: Do. Not. Say. I. Didn't. Warn. You.

That was the most vivid description of you. In the shower. Singing "Pants on the Floor."

By the way, you might be missing a bra and pink lace panties: it says here in the footnotes that he picked them up to "observe the robin's plumage." By that, I think it means he'll raid your drawers soon.


End file.
